I saw you.

I knew you way before, before all the drama and distance.

I knew you like no one else did.

I saw all those annoying things, and all the beautiful things that I grew to take for granted. I saw the true colours, and you stopped being afraid. I stopped being afraid a long time ago.

Do I still know you?

I saw you before you turned different, before you grew up. You may not realize, you may not know, but you were the constant.

If, between the two of us, there was one who cared more, I know who it was. Do you?
I barely know what I'm talking about.

With everything else that has been happening, I know it's my fault.
Did my protecting someone else end up hurting you?

I know it's been harder lately.
And I don't know how to fix it. You've always been the fixer.
But you can't fix something that doesn't even look broken.

I guess I'm just scared that if I continue to live in oblivion, I'll miss the best parts and end up seeing only the bad ones.
I missed it the first time. I don't want to let it happen again.
I don't want it to slip between my fingers.
I don't want you to slip between my fingers.
Not again.

Oh my.

If you know me at all, you'd know that yesterday would have been VERY emotional for me. And yes, I was supposed to go to school, but I couldn't wake up.

I watched the Michael Jackson memorial last night (this morning).

And it was beautiful. It truly moved me to tears. It wasn't spectacular, it wasn't grandiose- it was fittingly beautiful. Inside the Staples Center, the atmosphere was...sad. The words were sad, yet inspiring; the performances were from the heart and honouring. My mother and I watched the whole thing on CNN and E!- right from the procession to the cemetery for the private service to the procession to the Staples Center, right up to the end when Pastor Lucious led everyone in a prayer.

Everyone who attended was united for one reason- egos were chucked away as people gathered to celebrate the greatest entertainer who ever lived. Everybody had something wonderful to say, some nice memory of Michael that they treasured.

Like Magic Johnson who said, "I asked the chef for grilled chicken. He brought out the grilled chicken but brought Michael a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. That was the greatest moment of my life."

And Maya Angelou's poem, specially composed for him, called 'We Had Him'.

Usher's performance of 'Gone Too Soon' where he went down the steps to touch the casket.

Brooke Shields, and Jermaine Jackson who sang 'Smile'.

And of course, his daughter.

SIIGH. It was just. So heartwrenching.

The world paused to say goodbye to our King of Music.


I wrote all that yesterday. Today was an undeniably good day at school. I think it had something to do with my new resolution. (: I came to school, not very happy over the fact that we now sit one-by-one in class- but really it doesn't make much of a difference. We're still the noisiest class ever, the funnest class ever. I went to 4W during concert practice and talked to Komala. What I love about Komala is how after so long, we can still communicate. WE used to be pretty close in Form Three, but not so much anymore. But today was nice.

"PLEASEEE, I love that Michael Jackson song, DON'T SPOIL IT FOR ME!"

Hahaha I think I've been spoiling a lot of Michael Jackson songs. But my class has been wonderfully tolerant of my constant singing. Especially Vetton, who actually asks me to write down the lyrics.

"WRITE DOWN THE LYRICS, and I'll join you."

Yeng Kit sat in front of me today, because Ivan was AWOL. Mr Siva was attempting to teach us Add Math, how to use the sine rule in 'ambiguous cases'. None of us understood what an ambiguous case was.

"I don't understand WHY we need to draw ANOTHER triangle!!"
"So that we know it's 'ambiguous' laa!"
(round of applause from us all)
"So sir, that angle there is 90 degrees right??"

Ping Hua, Lee Xia and Yeng Kit.

HAHAHAHHAAHAA. To which Mr Siva gave him a look of sheer annoyance. I'm sure he dreads coming to our class each day.

And I had a very nice conversation with Vetton today, it was very enlightening. I found out that he's rather observant- he comes to my blog and reads my MSN personal messages to analyze what I'm feeling.

"I know there's SOMETHING you're not telling me!"

Oh well better start homework now. Oh right, the PTC. I was mostly hanging out with Vanessa and Yi Sheng. I told Yi Sheng that my mother probably forgot about the PTC.

"Never mind..I can be your father! Hello Madam, my name is Thangaraju, I'm Anisha's father. So is my daughter good? I shall inform my Mrs Thangaraju!"

And he did all this with a very genuine Indian accent. (:

Alrighty then, ta.

The truth is, I could be a happy-go-lucky person if I WANTED to. I am in charge of my own destiny, right?? SO WHY SHOULD I SIT AROUND AND WAIT FOR OTHER PEOPLE TO MAKE ME HAPPY??

Why should I wait for someone to make me feel special? I AM SPECIAL DAMNIT.
Why should I DEPEND on someone only to be utterly let down in the process? Sure, having someone is nice. But I am someone. Why can't I be my 'someone'?

I am the creator of my OWN happiness, not anybody else.
Why can't I seem to realize this?

Vetton went on and on today about this beautiful girl who makes him so happy that he starts spouting utter garbage. Things like:

"Her hair..smells like crushed pine needles. Her lips are like soft cherries! Her eyes are shining black diamonds and her skin is like a hard boiled egg!"

Yes. That's Vetton. But it made me think. Because he also mentioned that (a) he was going to die, and (b) he HAD to see this girl's face one final time before he kicked the bucket. And THAT'S what got me thinking about happiness and love and someones and blah blah.

I hate you, Vetton.

No, that's not true. Anyway. MY life. MY happiness.

Why is it that when it comes to you, I just don't know what to do? This is the first time in my whole life that I actually do not know what to do.

But of course, my life is going wonderfully. I really can't complain, because there isn't anything to complain about. And yet...

Maybe it's just one of those days. Maybe I just need to curl up on the sofa with a cup of very hot Milo and watch Michael Jackson videos. Namely 'You Are Not Alone'.

I'm rather pleased because things are looking up.
who am i kidding?

Saddest week ever?

Well, I was talking to Chi-E on the phone and she mentioned that I don't update anymore. And we figured, I should resurrect my blog solely for one reason.




Michael Jackson- call him what you want, legend, icon, idol, hero, superstar- is gone. You might not know this, but I did grow up listening to him, I did grow up inches from the TV trying to perfect the Moonwalk, and I did spend my whole tenth birthday party wearing my dad's cowboy hat and trying to dance to 'The Way You Make Me Feel'. When '13 Going On 30' came out, my favourite part became the Thriller dance routine. When liars accused him of being a paedophile, I believed- always have, always will- that he was 100% innocent. I may only own a single Michael Jackson CD, but I have always, always loved him.




When Zhi-Yang came to school last Friday and told me the news, I didn't believe him. I didn't believe Kar Jin, nor did I believe Giselle. People told me about it, and they were all talking about it, but it didn't completely register in my brain until I got on the bus for home and the radio was playing Michael's music. Even THEN, I didn't quite believe it. And then I went home to my mother, whom I saw had already believed it. She didn't go to work that day, cancelled all her meetings to watch CNN and BBC. I checked my phone and I saw a text:

"My hero has died."





That's when I truly believed that MJ had passed away.



The weekend passed in a blur of news bulletins, Michael Jackson tributes on TV, and falling asleep at night listening to the radio. 'You Are Not Alone' made me cry. Seeing that ambulance drive into the UCLA Medical Center made me cry. Watching the Bucharest concert where he performed 'Heal the World' made me cry MORE. Listening to him sing 'Man in the Mirror' was devastating. I don't think I have ever been this upset over a person's death.




The whole week was a sad one; I would come home every day, turn on the TV and look for any kind of news whatsoever on MJ. Everything else didn't matter- not bombs, or fires or anybody else. On Wednesday after the Interact meeting my mother and I went out and hunted for his CDs, concert videos and music videos- anything that we could get our hands on. I spent hours listening to nothing but my Michael Jackson Essentials CD, I sang (yes, i do that in class, just ask Lee Xia, Vetton or Daryl) nothing but my favourite MJ songs in between Lee Xia and Vetton. I enlightened June on 'Man in the Mirror', subsequently she told me that because of me and my endless campaigning she now respects and appreciates Michael Jackson.


Shi Khai came up to me and told me that he was sorry that I was so sad. And I know I've been incredibly annoying lately (namely to Dhivya, Giselle, Yagnesh, Vetton, Lee Xia and Daryl) but I can't help it. NOBODY seems to understand (other than Chi-E, of course) how much this whole thing means to me. Thank God for Chi-E, who does understand and feels the same way I do! And Vetton who sings along with me! And Puan Jamaliah who said this:

"I feel like I've really lost somebody, and I will miss him so much. I don't know why I miss him, but I'm so sad!"



So yes. Michael Jackson was, to me, a truly beautiful person. In every single way. His voice, his moves, his style- everything was absolutely one-of-a-kind. I cannot even begin to tell you what an impact he's made on my life. I am gutted that he's gone. It came as a huge shock- I think it's because in my eyes he was always invincible. I had no idea what he was going through. I'm sad that he was so lonely, and that he was so fragile. I think he was so sensitive to what other people said about him that his life became an ordeal. It feels so good to write down all this, because I think this is what's been making me so depressed over the week.



He was such a troubled soul, because he had no childhood. Nothing like what we would call 'normal'. While we were playing in parks he was busy becoming a superstar. He rose sky high, then he plunged so deep that it killed him. That's why I'm sad. He was my hero, and of billions of people, and we never let him go. It's still difficult for me to watch his videos- I remember Michael as the innocent boy-stuck-in-a-man's-body that I grew up with. He was so innocent, through and through, and people never believed him.



He gave so much and got so little in return.

I am full of regret that I never got to see him in person. I am full of regret that he has died. Yet I'm glad that people worldwide are appreciating him for who he was and what he gave us all. Real music, bona fide talent and the beginning of celebrity philanthropy (remember 'We Are the World'?). I am glad that there are people out there who love him- he will forever be remembered.

ti amo, e mi mancherai tantissimo.

Will I miss him? That would be like asking me whether I would miss my childhood.



So it sounds corny, but I don't care. I will miss him, and I will miss him for years to come. There will never be anyone who comes even CLOSE to what he was, and what he embodied. I hope he has finally found his Neverland.

Rest in peace, gorgeous.

Pictures are always comforting aren't they?
All those sentimental, bittersweet memories and stuff. (:

I thought I meant something.

It' s amazing how one person can either make or break your day, or how this one person can either make you feel like you're on top of the world, or a complete idiot.

Sometimes it makes me want to crawl under a rock. It seems futile, pretending that I don't care about it. I'm such a good pretender. I was watching Bridget Jones' Diary just now, and it was rather...depressing. I had wanted to watch it because I thought it might be a good pick-me-up. And HOW WRONG WAS I. The ending was a happy one, obviously, but the beginning and middle did me absolutely no good.

Okay, everything is just full of crap right now. EVERYTHING is pissing me off. I can't seem to find anything worth my time or effort- or maybe there is NOTHING worth my time or effort.

YOU KNOW WHAT MY PROBLEM IS?
I have not reached self-actualization.

And you know what else?
I am a liar. And when the truth comes out and introduces itself, I'd fall over from shock.